Beauty 101

I made an unimportant decision that I am certain no one will care about. Thus, it seemed only natural to post it on social media.

But first, some background:

I’ve worn thick black eyeliner since the seventh grade. I remember the very day I debuted this edgy look – it was at a beginning-of-the-school-year picnic. I came to get my books, pick up my schedule and decorate my locker with pictures of Vin Diesel. I was excited for the new school year. You see, sixth grade wasn’t exactly my best look. I was soft. Meek. My favorite pair of jeans had an airbrushed panda bear on them. I didn’t quite scream, “cool new girl,” so seventh grade was going to be my year to prove otherwise. I was going to be tough. I was going to start wearing Hollister, and, by God, I was going to wear eyeliner.

Why do I remember this day so clearly? Because my crush took one look at my face and asked if I’d been punched in both eyes. (And yet, it never deterred me.)

Here I am testing the Kylie Jenner over-lined lip technique. This was before news broke that her lips were, in fact, surgically enhanced. Who knew!?

Today, while my makeup regimen varies by occasion, it most often involves the same thick application of eyeliner, a heavy masking of my forehead vein and a half-assed attempt to make my lips look less like mealworms. To transition my look to nighttime, I double up on bronzer and brush blush over my collarbones for a faux sunburnt glow.

I know what you’re thinking – this girl sounds like a professional beauty blogger. A real threat to the Kardashian Empire. And you’re absolutely right. However, I recently coined a makeup technique that goes against everything we big-time beauty bloggers stand for. I call it: The Underwhelmer Whammer.

The Underwhelmer Whammer is a strategy based on the controversial business mantra: Under-promise and over-deliver. What does “under-promise and over-deliver” mean? It means setting the bar very, very low and then – surprise! – blowing it out of the water. It means promising to have a project turned in on Friday and delivering it on Wednesday. And it means never, ever bringing home a man whilst wearing a padded bra.

For years, I’ve applied this technique to my wardrobe and hair. The first time I curled my hair for work, a male coworker told me I looked “nice,” and like I “gave a shit” that day. Now, I’ve decided to take it one step further. I’ve decided to, as they say, “give less shits” about my face.

Here’s how it works: Monday through Friday, I will remain mousy and makeup-free. At first, it will be shocking.

“Oh, JoAnne!” they’ll say.

“What’s wrong?” they’ll say.

“Did you just give blood?!” they’ll say.

“Oh no, is it Joan?!?!?” they’ll say.

“Bronzer-less pallor.”

But as time wears on and my coworkers’ eyes adjust to my natural plainness, they’ll become more comfortable at the sight of my veiny eyelids and bronzer-less pallor. They may even forget I ever had eyebrows. That is, until…

WHAM!

I decide to wear makeup one day, and I roll in looking like an airbrushed goddess.

The Underwhelmer Whammer: a new beauty vlog coming to YouTube this fall.