Dad’s Homemade “Gatorade”

Recently, my cooking skills have come under fire. It could quite possibly be because I’ve recently set a few things on fire — but this is just my cooking style. I like things cooked well-done. Charred, if you will. Sometimes things can get out of hand though, like this particular pot of rice:

This behavior is the result of my meat-eating days — a troubling time when I had to supervise all grilling activities to ensure that my dad didn’t accidentally poison us all with his salmonellistic ways. People often ask me why I’m now a vegetarian, and the truth is that debatable cooking temperature is right up there with animal rights.

Anyways, I’ll admit that I’m no Martha Stewart in the kitchen. It’s why I haven’t yet fed Mr. Darcy to Buster, as I hear parakeets (or canaries, or whatever form of pet he claims to be) are the among the first to detect noxious fumes. But regardless of my inadequacies in the kitchen, it should be noted that my dad has a few questionable concoctions of his own, most notably his homemade “Gatorade”:

Dad’s Homemade “Gatorade”

I stumbled upon a pack of Crayons, hence the hand-drawn image. But in case you can’t read it, allow me to break it down for you:

  • Fill a large Mason jar about 2/3 full with ice and water
  • Add as much beer as possible without completely filling the jar to the brim. Summery beers like Shock Top and Blue Moon work best.
  • Add a little more than a splash of orange juice “for electrolytes”
  • Add a splash of milk or almond milk “for protein”
  • Add a few drops of vanilla extract “for flavor”

This drink is best enjoyed after a few hours of yard-work, power-washing the house or for an extra treat when your thermostat is “turned down to 78 degrees”. Yes, a brisk 78 degrees. How indulgent.

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