New Year’s Resolutions

Since it’s almost the second week in January, I’ve decided to make some New Year’s Resolutions. Actually, I’ve decided to make some New Year’s Aspirations, which seems more appropriate since my father just informed me that paying rent is somewhere in my near future. So, it would appear I need to aspire to a few things in order to avoid homelessness by 2013.

Here is a countdown of all the things I hope to accomplish in 2012:

5. Get a job. A real one.

I included this aspiration just for formality. I don’t expect to land an actual “Big Girl” job by the end of 2012, unless of course someone decides to take a permanent vacation from their pets.

4. Make a Music Video

My roommates (former college roommates — not my parents) can attest to the fact that I’ve been dying to make a music video for years. It’s actually become a fantasy of mine. When I’m on the treadmill and find myself struggling for motivation (about 5 minutes in to my power-walking routine), I hit my inhaler and picture myself starring in a music video. The thrill of the dance and the spike of Albuterol in my bloodstream usually sends me into a shaky, adrenaline-riddled spastic jog. Although this combo does give my face a pale, cold-sweaty sheen, the results are undeniably comparable to those of today’s leading diet supplements. Sort of.

Pre-Spring Break sophomore year of college, my music video fantasy of choice was Britney Spears’ “I’m a Slave for You.” Mid run, I would envision myself starring in an elaborate video montage of the “I’m a Slave for You” VMA performance and raunchy music video. Spray tans, extensions, body glitter, wildlife…this production gave me everything I could possibly want rolled into one sweaty fiasco. It was pure Gym Rat gold.

For the majority of 2010, I pictured myself performing in an NBA halftime show to “C’mon N’ Ride it.” Those were good times.

Last year, my song of choice was Llyod’s “Lay it Down.” This song came out as I was training for a mini-marathon, so you can only imagine the amount of time and effort that went into this particular hallucination.

3. Travel Abroad

I’m going through a quarter-life crisis. Maybe it’s the fact that I spend my nights drinking bourbon on the rocks and watching Downton Abbey with my parents. Or maybe it’s the fact that I wear knee-highs 5 days of the week and recently bought a pack of nude “Trouser Socks”. In sum, I’m on the fast track to becoming a 75-year-old man, and my crusty, winter paws don’t do much to help my case. (The cold weather wreaks havoc on my hands. I look like a dehydrated witch from the wrists down.)

The knee-high value pack my mother bought for me at Costco last Sunday. You can see I've already tapped into the Nudes.

So needless to say, I’ve got an itch. An itch to do cool shit, if you’ll excuse me. This year, I need to travel abroad somewhere. I need to do something awesome.

Since I’m a hypochondriac, traveling to a Third World country is out of the question. Now, I have no idea which countries are “Third World” — or what “Third World” even means exactly — so I’ve narrowed my choices down to Australia and France.

I’ve looked up some volunteer trips to Australia, but so far none have whet my whistle. I’d like to be a part of some sort of crazy, intense animal protection project — something reminiscent of The Amazing Panda Adventure, but with a koala cub or sloth as my damsel in distress. I also wouldn’t mind having a tranquilizer gun to snipe the SOB poachers from the get-go, but alas, beggars can’t be choosers.

2. Write a book

This is my number one goal for 2012. My blog started off as somewhat of a joke — mostly as a tribute to Buster in his twilight years of life. But writing my blog has become one of my favorite things to do. The support and feedback I’ve gotten from friends and family has been incredible. My fear is that I’ll run out of things to say, but I’d like to give it a shot anyways. We’ll see what happens.

1. And lastly, for 2012, I aspire to never make these faces again (P.s. I told you I was into the closed-mouth smile)

5th or 4th Grade Yearbook photo -- I'm assuming this was a retake of my platypus/DUI mugshot incident.

My professionally taken headshot for acting school. Yes, acting school.


Footnote: After writing this blog, I did a little research on endangered species in Australia. Apparently sloths don’t even live in Australia. I might have to take my mission elsewhere – I’m pretty into sloths right now.

3 thoughts on “New Year’s Resolutions

  1. brennagrimes

    Go to Scotland. I went there once, it was really beautiful. Good to know I’m not the only one that’s hit my quarter life crisis. Love that your knee-highs came from Costco, sorry, that made me laugh a little bit.


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