Creeping on the Cullens

I might have sounded a little negative in my previous blog, but the Olympic Peninsula is actually incredibly beautiful. The weather is cool but comfortable, and the air is so clean that I rarely have to hit my inhaler. I’d consider moving here, but I’ve seen a lot of dreadlocks and I’m not quite ready to make such a large commitment to mountain men. My mom, who always speaks like she’s narrating a 19th century romance novel, keeps using uncomfortable words to describe everything. We saw a submarine the other day, and she described it as “utterly wonderful.”

We’re staying in a condo pretty close to where Twilight is set. Sunday, we drove through Forks on our way to the Hoh Rainforest. No one is willing to drive me to La Push so I can get my paws on some of Jacob’s half-naked wolf pack friends, but I’m not too upset; from what I saw in the last movie, I’d rather wait until they decide to put a little more effort into their grooming.

When we drove through Forks, I made my dad pull over so that I could have a photo shoot in front of the “Welcome to Forks” sign. I felt very judged by every car that drove by, like a high-schooler caught wearing a LtdToo graphic tee. After about 10 variations of my best Bella Swan pose, I was sure every local suspected me of being an active subscriber of J-14 magazine. I looked like a total preteen Twihard, and the glittery self-tanner I had on did nothing to help my situation. My faux glow sparkled in the sun, just as Edward’s sunlit vampire skin would after a long weekend in Florida.

As we drove through the small Twilight town, I positioned myself so that my good side was facing the window, just in case a Cullen was out-and-about. I glossed up my lips, looked out the window and tried to look depressed and sullen, as I imagine Kristen Stewart would have done (minus the lip gloss). I muttered incoherent sentences in a monotone voice to really seal the deal on my KStew impression. Unfortunately, no Cullens or shirtless werewolves showed themselves. In my state of disappointment, I briefly thought about settling for a rendezvous with Mike Newton, but then I remembered his frosted tips and immediately regretted even considering it.

In regards to Twilight men, I’m not yet sure who I’ll chose as my mate. I’d be crazy to deny any attraction to Edward Cullen, but I have to say that he’s a little too sappy and romantic for my taste. Also, it’s obvious that he’s into pasty white skin, so I don’t think he’d approve of my weekly spray tan appointments. I’m much more looking forward to running into Emmett or Jacob while we’re here. I always like a good meat-head– werewolf or vamp, I’m not too picky. I like the Twilight books way better than the movies, but I can’t complain one bit about any movie scene that involves Emmett in a track suit. I’m still not sure how I feel about Jacob’s extensive jean-short collection, but I’m not ready to rule anything out just yet.

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